Thy Will Be Done

Yesterday I had a good day.  Yesterday my thoughts were not consumed with thoughts of him, or of the hurt and pain.  Today hasn't been a BAD day...but I'm having trouble focusing today.  I am praying, more than I have prayed in a long time.  But I can't find the words to pray sometimes.  I just sit there, my mind empty.  Ok, not empty, but not able to focus on what I need to say.    As I was driving today, this song came on the radio.  Honestly, it is so hard to sing...and even harder to mean...

Thy Will

Hillary Scott, The Scott Family

I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

 

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

 

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

 

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

 

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

 

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

 

 

 I honestly have not come to the place yet where I can fully say "Ok God.  Whatever happens is Your will."  I know that I am on my way there, but I'm not there yet.  Right now, I'm still not "ok" with whatever may happen.  There is only one thing I want to happen: For my husband to come home.  I know that may seem crazy, and foolish, but it's what I want.  But, I don't know if that will happen. 

 

Will I be ok if it doesn't?  I don't FEEL like I will, but I know in my head that I will be ok.  I never thought losing a spouse due to separation or divorce would be this difficult.  I guess I never really thought about it, because I never thought it would happen to me.  How naïve? 

 

Anyway, as the song says, this doesn't feel good right now...and I can't count it all as joy yet.  One day, I know I will be able to say that.  But right now it hurts too much.  I mean, I just went to the bank a few hours ago, and I saw him.  He was cold to me because he doesn't know how to act around me, especially when people who think we are still together are around.  It hurt.  More than I thought it would.  But I don't want to go to another bank because seeing him, even if it hurts, is better than not seeing him.  Ugh!  I hate this way!

 

Ok, so I'm going to start trying to focus on being "ok" if what I WANT is not what happens.  I'm trying to trust in Your will being done.  Help me to trust You, and to believe "Your plans are for me.  Good News you have in store" as the song says.  And my favorite bible verse says "For I know that plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (the punctuation might be off...I'm doing it from memory.)