Where it began, and where I am today.

The first time I ever decided to try the blogging world was after I had a miscarriage four years ago.  Now, four years later, around the same time as the miscarriage, I find myself needing an outlet to express another pain that I am experiencing.  Although I thought losing my child through a miscarriage was the hardest thing I was ever going to have to do, I was wrong.  Sitting here as I type this, I'm currently in the process of losing my husband of 9 years, and my partner of 14 1/2.   And although it makes me feel like I am tarnishing my love for the baby I only carried in my womb by saying it…losing my husband is harder. I have not been able to put this pain into those words until this past weekend because I was so fearful that admitting the pain was greater from losing my husband would mean my baby was not important. It doesn’t make the pain I experienced with losing my baby any less.  It just means that I value my husband and my marriage that much more.  Articulating this, although it hurts to say, is also somewhat freeing.  It helps me not kick myself because I seem to be floundering so much.  It helps me realize that I shouldn't be able to just pick myself up by my boot straps and be "ok."

How do people do this?  How do people go through separation and divorce?  I feel so paralyzed.  Every morning I wake up and feel a sense of dread because I have to do another day in this life.  Don't misread that, I am not suicidal.  I just do not want the life that I currently am experiencing.  I want a life where I'm happy, and raising my two young boys with my husband, whom I love and miss.  When I allow myself to feel the flood of emotions that are boiling at the surface all the time, I find it hard to breath.  I feel like I am drowning; someone is holding my head under the water, and I feel like I am only a few seconds away from taking that last breath, no longer fighting, just giving up.  Again, how do people do this?  If it wasn't for my God who has been my rock, my two beautiful boys who need me, and the amazing family and friends I have, I don't think I would be able to do this.  I'm not strong enough.  Not without the support system of you all...

I think the hardest thing about this is that this separation is not my choice.  I have no control over it.  My amazing, tolerant, forgiving, loyal, punching bag of a husband has finally had enough.  The pain I caused him in our marriage is too much for him to forgive.  Although I feel like he truly never gave me the opportunity to realize the problem existed, or to fix the problem when it came out, I know that I should have been a better wife.  I know that if I was a better wife, today would look a lot different.  For one, he would not have found solace or companionship in another woman.  If he would have told me 6 months ago, a year ago, 5 years ago, on our wedding day, or 14 years ago “Candace, if you don’t treat me better, and stop making me feel like I cannot do anything right, I will have to leave you,” or “Candace, if you don’t value me, and stop disrespecting me, I can’t be with you,” or “Candace, I am MISERABLE.  I need you to try to change,” I believe I would have done everything in my power to change; I would have started to appreciate him, to show him the love and respect that he deserves.  Instead, he gave his heart to someone else. 

I honestly don’t blame him.  I know, some of you reading this may think “But it was his choice…he did this…he shouldn’t have cheated…etc” but in God’s eyes, all sins are equal.  I broke our wedding vows and my promise to him and to God LONG before he ever broke his.  I am not here to gain sympathy, or support, or to be told I was "right" or that he's the "bad guy."  That's why I am not using his name.  This blog isn't about him.  It's about me.  My journey.  My heartbreak, and how God is going to change my life, and use this experience to have a better future.  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  The miscarriage has made me a better mom.  I understand how precious my children are, so therefore I cherish them more than I would have if I had not lost my first child.  One day, I will be able to speak of something good that will come from all of this.  Today is not that day though... 

God has changed my heart.  I woke up, and realized what I was losing.  I woke up, and stopped criticizing every little thing he did, and you know what happened?  God allowed me to see what a gift my husband was in my life.  What a gift he is to my boys!  God gave me His eyes to see my husband the way that God sees him.  From that moment on, I vowed to change, and to be the wife that amazing man I saw deserved.

At first, my husband wanted to try to fight for our marriage.  He saw the change in me, and hoped it would be enough to bring the love and passion back in our marriage.  But the whole time, the deep pain in his heart held him back.  He said his doubts and fears were causing him to keep me at arm’s length.  Also, he didn’t want to let go of the girl he now had in his heart.  She made him feel the way I was meant to.  The pain I caused was too great, and the love she’s shown was too promising. 

So, seven days ago, I asked him to move out.  If he couldn’t choose me, then I had to choose me.  Initially, I felt empowered.  I felt like I was finally standing up for myself.  I felt like I was saying it wasn’t ok to leave me dangling on a YoYo (even though that was not his intent, it was what was happening), and that I deserved to be someone’s first choice, even if that someone was me.  That day, we separated our money from our accounts (it wasn’t much, but I felt like it needed to happen), he gathered the things from our house that he needed… and then I broke down.  I don’t think I have had so many tears leave my body in such a short time period.  I went to my parents’ house for dinner, but barely ate (I had already lost 8 pounds through all of this.)  My parents pretty much took care of the kids the whole time I was there, because I could barely stop crying long enough to blow my nose, much less tend to my children.   I immediately started thinking I made a mistake.  I wanted to tell him to move back in.  In my mind, I kept thinking that if I could just find the right thing to say, or the right thing to do, then he would change his mind, and come running back to me with open arms.  Through this whole process, there were two times that he did “come back” to me.  Two times that he said he realized he made a mistake and wanted to “try.”  But I knew this time was different.  Something just felt different.  This time…he wasn’t coming back. 

I literally lay on the floor face down sobbing.  I started going through the list of possible “errors” I’ve made in the last 6 months, 12 months, and 2 years; each one wondering if THAT was where it all went wrong.  It was like my life was on a movie reel and I was seeing all of the bad moments, all of my hateful moments, all of the moments leading to that Saturday night, the 26^th of August, when my world unraveled.  The moment that brought all this to light was a lunchtime argument: my husband had gotten up to clean the trash off the table from lunch.  Here was our convo:

 

Me: What are you doing?

Him: Picking up the trash…

M: Why are you picking up the trash over there (referring to the right side of the table)?

H: Because there was trash over here…

M: But there’s trash over there too (motioning to the left side of the table.) You were already on that side of the table.

H: Why does it matter what side of the table I pick up the trash from?  Can’t you just say “thank you?”

M: (Without even pausing to reflect on the fact that I was hurting my husband by being unappreciative and hypercritical) Of Course! Thank you…It just would have been smarter to do it from that side of the table (now I have called him stupid too…good job Candace…)

 

Nope, that wasn’t when all of this came out.  It was that night.  God had convicted me that night of treating my husband so poorly.  That Saturday lunch interaction was a very COMMON occurrence in our house.  I was always saying things like that; questioning his every move, criticizing the things I should be saying “thank you” for.  So, when I realized that, I apologized and said I hoped he would forgive me.  He said “I’ll try, but there is a lot of healing that needs to happen.”  WHAT?!?!?  We are married…you have to forgive me I thought…and I immediately wanted to start criticizing the fact that he said he wouldn’t be able to immediately forgive me.  Thankfully I did not. 

Anyway, so that lead us here.  Almost 4 weeks later.  Here I am.  My heart longing for the husband I forgot that I had, while grieving the fact that I will likely not ever have him again.  My heart is open to love him unconditionally, to make him feel like the best man that walked this earth, to build him up, to encourage him when he is discouraged, and to be the place of comfort when the world is attacking him.  To tell him how valued he is, how worthy of my love and God’s love, when he feels unlovable.  To experience the joy of raising two young men with him, teaching them that they are too valuable to allow anyone (including a wife) to treat them as if they are NOT valuable.  But my husband doesn’t want any of that.  He doesn’t want those things from me.  He doesn’t seem to “hate” me, but he doesn’t want my love.

What am I supposed to do with all the love I want to give to him?  I give that love to God, and to my boys.  I am also seeing that I need to give that love to others in my life.  This has taught me that I need to love and appreciate those in my life who also love and appreciate me.

I am currently reading a book called “The Power of a Praying Wife.”  It is a book with 31 days of prayers for your husband.  My hope is still that my husband will open his heart back up to me, but if that doesn’t happen, God is still working in my heart, and teaching me things about myself that I would not have learned if I hadn’t come to this place.

I know I am a little all over the place here, and I apologize for that, but I’m just trying to get my thoughts and feelings out.  I feel like this will be a healthy way for me to communicate with my family, friends, prayer warriors, well-wishers, etc.  Thank you.  If you are reading this, I know it’s because you love me and want good things for me.  I want you to know you are important to me.  You matter.  You matter to so many people, even people that you don’t realize you matter to…but most definitely, you matter to me.

I’ll end on that.  On a positive note.  I do still find those occasionally, although honestly they are few and far between.  But in this moment, it is a positive moment, an uplifting moment.  Maybe one of you are praying for me as I type this…  But I love you.  Just so you know: you are loved.

Quick Edit to add:  My husband's affair is an online affair.  It doesn't lessen the hurt, but it is something you should know when reading this blog.